It is Day 20 of the Guest Blogger Month of LOVE and I hope you are enjoying these love stories as much as I am. Some of them have made me laugh, some have made me cry. That is when you really know something is about love, when you feel emotion. God given human emotions are a barometer. They take a temperature on life, on our soul, and today’s story is one of those that is felt deeply. Aoife Bermingham contacted me via Snapchat when I invited folks to submit love stories for this guest blogger series. When she shared what the subject of her love story would be, I was already in tears. It is such a touching tribute to the purest kind of LOVE.
Today is February 20th 2018. Had he been born on his due date he would be 1 year old today. Who is he? He is my son, Oisín O’Shea. Born sleeping on 2nd October 2016, the day of the Guardian Angels. I LOVE him.
When we got the bad news that Oisín’s heart was no longer beating, that he was no longer alive and I that had to give birth to him sleeping it felt like my life was over in those moments. But I gave birth to a sleeping angel and that angel, Oisín, made me find strength I never knew I had. I love him for that.
Our love is between 2 places, Heaven and Earth and everywhere in between. I’m not a particularly religious person but I have to have faith that he is in that place we call Heaven, with my Nana Betty and my 2 Grandads, Brendan & Jim, who I love so much too. They all loved me so I like to I think that that missing piece of me, Oisín, is in heaven being loved and cared for by those that loved me, until it is my time to be there with him. It gives me a feeling of peace to think this, instead of the anxiety and feelings of loss that often overcome me.
I have given birth 3 times in 2 years. Two of my children are here with me on Earth and Oisín is not. I love them all equally no matter where they are. A Mother loves her children unconditionally. Always.
The boy who’s heart stopped beating while growing in my tummy has a special place in my heart. He is everywhere around me, even though I can’t see him.
I ache to hold his hand and rock him to sleep but that’ll never happen. I still love him. I wonder what he would have looked like on his first birthday but that’ll never happen. I still love him. I wonder what his favourite food or favourite colour or favourite toy may have been but that’ll never happen. I still love him. All these things I will never know the answer to but one things for sure, I will always love him.
We spent 22 weeks together and went through so much in those 22 weeks, all life changing experiences. This photo is the only photo I have of the 2 of us together. That’s his big sister Cadhla photobombing it! It’s cherished.
We planted an apple tree in our garden a few weeks after he was born sleeping and I watch it grow every day. It’s right outside my bedroom window so when I go to sleep at night and when I wake up every morning it’s the first thing I see. A Mother’s love for a son who’s feet never touched the ground. It’s tough. But it’s not tough to love him. It’s still unconditional love.
I wear a piece of him around my neck everyday in a locket and I have a necklace with the 3 kids names on it. I have my Oisín candle that I light almost daily and I have a painting which was done for us of one his scan pictures, which hangs proudly in our family room, it brightens up our room, it fills it with love, as does the laughter of his big sister and baby brother.
My love for him is everywhere and his love for me is everywhere, I feel it, I see signs of him everywhere, like the little robin that perches on a branch of his tree or the little white feathers that fly in through the window every now and again.
When I fell pregnant again Oisín was there with me at every scan, and believe me I had loads of scans. I felt it, I felt his love, I felt his angel wings wrap around me, protecting me, protecting his unborn brother. He always sent me a sign of love.
On the big scan day I was a bag of nerves but he sent me a sign in regards to the people I bumped into that day in the hospital. The same people that were there with me when I lost Oisín. From the Sonographer, to the Anaesthathist, to the Midwives, to the Bereavement Team. I met them all that day and they were all so overjoyed to hear everything went well. He was there saying ‘Look Mammy everything’s gonna be fine, my brother is fine, I love you and I love him and I’m gonna look after you. All these people you met the last time when you were so sad, you are happy today seeing them and telling them the good news and I’m giving you a good memory to have of these people instead of a bad one’
Now that’s love, the love of a son to his Mother.
This is why I’m here today writing this piece about love and writing my blog, it’s all to honor Oisín, my love for him and our love for each other and to possibly help any other Mother or Father who has or is going through a similar experience. For out of such sadness and dark times, because he was stillborn, came strength and light and LOVE from the experience of being Oisín’s Mum.
Oisín’s baby brother, Senan, was born fit and healthy on September 19th 2017.
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Aoife, I am so grateful you shared your LOVE story on Yankee Doodle Paddy. I am sure many reading this will be comforted and also inspired by your strength. You are proof that love is an eternal gift that is always there when you aware of it and open to receive it. Even from someone you can’t see. But you don’t need eyes to see the kind of love Oisín and you share. It is the purest of the pure. I am blown away by your ability to put something so profound into such beautiful words. Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!